Relationship Advice on Forgiveness

by Anonymous

Reader Post: 'The most helpful relationship advice I've ever received is to grow my ability to forgive and forget.

My mother not only taught me about the power of forgiveness but lived it in her own life as well. My father was not an easy man to live with. He had a quick temper and could get verbally abusive. Any other woman would have either retaliated or withdrawn in the face of his anger outbursts, but my mother was different. She chose to focus on his good points - and there were many. He was an excellent provider, a wonderful father and he was fiercely protective of his family. My mother simply chose not to allow his issues to destroy their relationship - and it worked.

It is said that patterns repeat themselves over generations - and strangely enough I chose a partner with anger issues too. We have been married for eight years now and I often think of my parents' relationship when confronted with my husband's quick temper. I have learnt to stay calm so as not to escalate the conflict, to use time-out when needed, and of course to forgive.

Just like my father, my husband is a good man. He loves and accepts me unconditionally and he is unquestionably loyal to me and our relationship. I often think how grateful I am to have found him. In saying that I don't want to minimise the effect that his anger has on me. It's hard not to crack under the pressure when I become the one that he takes his anger out on.

In the end I have to ask myself, would I rather forgive and be happy most of the time in our relationship, or do I want to hold on to my hurt and be unhappy all of the time? it's an easy decision to make.

Of course I'd love for him to deal with his anger more constructively, but I don't have any power over his choices ~ and he chooses not to get help to resolve his anger problems. Some might say I'm enabling him and maybe I am (I always think of dr Phil's mantra that we teach people how to treat us). But I've learnt that the more I use forgiveness in our relationship, the easier it gets.

I don't take my husband's outbursts personally anymore. I understand it's about him - not about me. And I am happy.'

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