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How to Save your Relationship

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Emotional Wisdom

Make no mistake ~ relationships are challenging! I often tell my clients that sometimes even a lot of love is not enough to make a relationship work. It takes commitment, perseverance and a healthy dose of forgiveness. It also requires emotional wisdom.

A good question to ask yourself during conflict is, 'what is the wise thing to do right now?'You'll find that the wise thing to do is often the exact opposite of what every fibre in your being is screaming out for you to do.

Anger and hurt might cause you to want to lash out, or swear or cry, while the emotionally wise thing would be to back off and go for a walk. Alternatively, you might want to withdraw into your shell, while the emotionally wise thing to do is to reach out and communicate calmly.

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1. If it feels like your relationship is falling apart, give yourself and your partner a little bit of space to allow emotions on both sides to calm down. Giving each other space doesn't mean slamming the door and speeding off in your car. It would be a lot more helpful to be honest about feeling upset and that you need to go for a walk or a drive to clear your head. Always reassure your partner that you will be back in an hour or two ~ and make sure you keep to your word.

2. Work out what the outcome is that you desire. What would make you feel that the issue is resolved? What can you do to work towards that? Remember, you have no control over what your partner does or doesn't do. You have to take responsibility for yourself and your own actions. That's all you can control.

3. Apologize for your part in the conflict. Disagreements are a two-way street. Find something that you could have done differently or better and tell your partner what it is. Don't expect an apology back - just do what you can to clear the air.

4. Don't beg if your partner threatens to walk out. State calmly that it's not what you want and that you would like to resolve the issues between you. Try not to let the situation escalate to a point of no return. What you do in the heat of conflict will come back to haunt you. So take time-out if your emotions are out of control.

5. Be patient. Conflict rarely gets resolved immediately. Let it rest. Your best chance to save a relationship is when both of you have cooled down and the reality of a break up hits. If there is love, there is hope. But the love has to be on both sides and love has to be supported with solid relationship building skills.

6. Don't give up on a relationship that is worth saving, but don't hang on to one that is not worth the effort. You may have to dig down deep to make that distinction, but it's important that you do. The answers are all inside you. Trust yourself to find them.

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